Healing is Feeling

 What have I learned from grief?

Healing is feeling.

Well, there is the obvious. Appreciate each moment. That sounds generic, but I mean each and every second.

We are more apt to put off the people that we love most. Change that.

Know that chances are that you will not get to say goodbye.

So, every goodbye or parting word should mean something. Even if you are angry, do not part ways without saying I love you or saying good night.

I have also learned that if you are open, there are moments when it feels like they are still here, still present.

If you pay attention, there are signs or reminders. There are dreams.

Before Brian died, he saw 444 everywhere. I never saw it until after he died. Then 444 was everywhere, ID numbers for accounts, on the bus in front of me, briefly passing on the TV or the clock.

There was the time I was in Arizona looking for a restaurant and the first two restaurants that popped up, one with his last name, the second one called JoJo’s. That is what he used to call me. I took a screenshot of the search.

How are the first two restaurants our names!

What signs have you noticed, if any?

If nothing blatantly obvious, what are the seemingly random things you see or hear that bring them to mind? Grief is different for everyone. Even a different loss may present differently. I never noticed any signs when my mom died, and that is okay too.

The comfort and sense of knowing that these signs (and more) brought me is invaluable. The reassurance of love and presence from beyond.

I have learned that it is incredibly hard to walk through grief, but it is much, much harder to try to run from it.

Only one way is possible. It cannot be outrun.

You must move through it.

You must feel it when it comes, recognize it.

Cry.

Cry until the tears cannot flow.

You need a middle ground, you cannot wallow, but you cannot hide and deny either.

Whether that is over productivity, alcohol, drugs, or denial, grief will stay big and scary until you face it, embrace it, meet it head on.

Be with it.

I have learned that even if people around you grieve, you will grieve alone.

Your grief is your own.

We each have a unique individual way to hold our grief, to process. We may grieve the same person, but grief looks different to different people and different still with each loss.

I have learned to create grief rituals, remembrance rituals for myself.

Write about it.

Write what you feel, all the mixed feelings.

Write the things that make you think of them.

The signs the universe gives you that make you think they are near or remind you of them.

Write what you were thinking just before that moment.

In time, go back and reflect, you will see a developing pattern.

Write the memories, every little detail. Because in time, they will fade.

Memories can be hard at first, igniting the pain, the yearning, the loss, feel it.

Memories will get easier as time continues, instead of an influx of tears, they eventually bring a smile, a laugh, and even joy.

They can bring gratitude for the time had, for the memories gone but not forgotten, for the impact the person had on your soul.

As always, I would love your comments, feedback, or stories.