Death Didn’t Wait for the Details
Death did not wait for the details.
Struggling with the anger, feeling mad.
All the little missteps right before.
You up and quit your job on a whim, just a month before.
Your life insurance policy lapsed just a week before.
We set up our 401k’s with each other as the beneficiaries.
One final step to solidify yours, tell your HR person about the change.
That step never taken.
We had been talking about our wills, going to do it in a month.
What would happen if one of us died?
Together nearly 19 years, but not legally married.
You were certain that your family would do right by me, and mine by you.
But still, we were putting it on the books to be done soon.
The last five years were hard.
That is why we had not done it previously.
First your cancer, then your mom’s again.
The last three years working on your sobriety.
Constant caretakers.
Your dad, my mom, then grandpa, then your mom, then you, then back to your mom.
Cancer’s a c-nt.
Constant caretakers.
No other homes or states to escape to.
No breaks.
No silence.
No peace.
No reprieve.
Then it was time to grieve.
We were getting our stuff in order now, after your mom passed.
Just a little more time for grief then we would dot the i’s and cross the t’s.
The will, the life insurance, all the things.
We still had time.
We still had plans.
We were finally going to start looking for our land, our homestead.
Sorting out the details.
The wills would be done in a month.
But death came different this time.
No hospice, no caregiving, no warning.
Death came quick, perfectly fine Thursday night, gone by Friday morning.
Death did not wait for the details.
Did not wait for the benefits of your new job.
Did not wait for your new life insurance to kick in, you let it lapse, no big deal, just a few weeks and you will have it again.
“No health insurance for three weeks. It will be fine” echoes in my mind.
No warning.
No advance notice.
Just poof you are gone.
Like blowing out a single match in a dark room.
Poof.
Those little logistics give me grief.
They make my emotions conflicted.
The deepest sorrow I have known.
Feeling guilty and bad when I get mad or bothered about the details.
Not wanting to express those emotions- fluid like the rest, they come and go- but the frustration and anger after death are less acceptable, less talked about, more shunned.
Speak no ill of the deceased. Express nothing but sorrow, regardless of the complexities of emotions that can come with it.
Having anger does not dissolve the love, the regrets, the sadness, the loss.
The t’s not crossed, the i’s not dotted.
Death did not wait for the details.
As always, I would love your comments, feedback, or stories.
